Out of the Abyss – Losing Myself
When I married my first husband, and father of my two children, life changed. He already had two young boys. So I was instantly a 20 year old stepmother of two. Despite the pleading of my parents to at least wait until after graduation, I quit college at the beginning of my junior year to get married. I convinced myself that my life would be wonderful. My life would consist of creating a happy home with my new husband and his boys.
There Were Signs
There were signs that things were not good even before the marriage. I missed these. Signs of infidelity, emotional abuse, anger, control issues. We fought often. But I was young and believed that things would change. He manipulated me into thinking life would be wonderful – once we were married.
He was controlling, angry, short tempered. I could go on and on, but since we have healed our past and have forgiven each other for the 17 year roller coaster ride we were on, I won’t make this about his faults. He has changed tremendously over the years. But that is another story for another time.
Walking on Eggshells
This is being written as an example of how, over the 17 years, I lost my friends, my creativity, my goals, and my will to do anything other than try to please my husband and raise my kids. I walked on eggshells at all times, hoping a spark would not trigger his rage. Unfortunately that didn’t help. It only took one tiny spark to turn a normal day into a nightmare.
I had no interests or projects of my own. Activities included us going to HIS softball games. We spent time with HIS friends and HIS family. I helped raise HIS boys. Even when I tried to take up karate, which was one of my passions while in high school, he insisted that he and his boys join the class as well. NOTHING was mine. NOTHING was about me.
Becoming Weak
I slowly became a very weak, quiet little mouse trying to keep the peace at all costs. Where had my soul gone? It had to be there, maybe hidden very deeply. I started to believe the things he said to me in anger. I was too weak to think rationally and to realize that these were only words! Through all of this I was being cheated on and lied to as well. But again, I had no energy to take control and get the proof. So I took care of 4 children, didn’t work, and made the kids my life.
Where Was My Spark?
I remember one day while standing in my parent’s home, my Mom walked up to me, hugged me and said that I looked hollow. She wanted to know where I had gone. The spark had left my eyes. The passion had disappeared.
How could I tell her? Ashamed of the situation, I didn’t want to hear “I told you not to marry him”. I didn’t want to embarrass them by having them know that their first born was not in a “happily ever after” marriage. So I kept it in. They had no idea what I was going through.
Getting Even
I took a job as a receptionist at a car dealership. I was still young and attractive, even despite the emptiness in my eyes. Men began to flirt, a lot! And in my need to have some sort of attention and admiration I started my own affair. I wanted to get even. And I also thought this would bring some happiness into my existence. I was so wrong. It only made me more of an emotional wreck. Lies create more lies. Emotional chaos does not go away by adding more emotional chaos.
And when this affair was uncovered by my husband, my life exploded before me. Yet, his infidelity continued.
I stayed for awhile longer. Trying to fix what was completely broken.
Karate was the beginning of the end for me. It slowly brought me out of the abyss. It was one of my biggest lifelines.
More to follow…… HERE.
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