Mental Abuse and Doormats | forever delaney

Here is a past journal entry from July 2007. My eyes were finally starting to open to the mental abuse around me from everyone I love. It still amazes me how I allowed myself to be treated this way. What happened to my sense of self worth?

Before My Eyes Opened

Monday, July 9, 2007
“Doormats”

Doormats! Handy little things. They just lay around outside through all kinds of weather, getting stepped on, mashed, beaten, kicked. Then having to deal with everyone’s crap being wiped on them. Just so that person can enter into their nice clean environment. Leaving the doormat to deal with the dirt!!!!

There is a question that has been haunting me since my first marriage started. What was it in my lifetime, my early childhood, or possibly a past lifetime that made me feel that I deserved to be treated like a doormat?

Raised in a Loving Family

I was raised by wonderful parents (who, by the way, are still happily married), in a very nice home, surrounded by people who loved me. Later I was proposed to by a very nice man in college, turned him down, and married one who treated me like a dog. And the worst part is that I put up with it for 18 years before gaining the courage to walk out.

But what i have noticed is that there are still people in my life who are close to me but who I allow to treat me that way. And it’s time that I took a long look at the situation and get to the root of why I allow this!!!

I refuse to continue this for another second.

Tired of Being a Doormat

I am not only getting this from my present husband but from my own daughter, who I love with all my heart. Right now she is the worst. She has hurt me terribly this past week and what is worse is that there is NEVER an explanation of why. I start getting snapped at and ignored, yelled at and made to feel like I am a terrible person.

“What Have I Done Wrong?”

What I have noticed is that when this happens, I revert back to the old days and I get sad. PTSD is what my therapist describes it as. I start asking, “What did I do Jennifer?” or “Did I do something wrong” – “Please tell me, Please!!!”…. Knowing damn good and well that I did NOTHING wrong.

And then I remain the wonderful, loving, caring Mom that I am and act as if nothing happened. This has gone on since she was a young child.

Finally Reached My Breaking Point

I will not allow this to continue because I am finished being a doormat for my family and friends. I need to love myself enough to walk away from such abuse. And it is abuse. I have to remind myself of that when I get lost in the “ohhhhh, what did I do to deserved this” craziness.

I will love her and I will let her know that nothing she does to me will change that love. But I won’t put myself into the situation where I am attacked.

No more! No one is going to wipe their feet on me, ever again. At least not until I forget this newfound courage and slip back into the victim role again. One of these days I’ll get to the root of it and change my future.

Until then… I’ll keep searching for the answer. I will get back to my therapist…… and avoid my daughters outbursts!

NOTE:

I did get the help I needed. My therapy sessions were a must. Also, I attended a workshop called The Journey, And I had past life readings done to figure out what, in my childhood and past lives, caused this in my present life. I worked very hard to get past it and change the old family patterns for future generations. Years later, every once in awhile I slip into that old pattern for a few seconds and then I catch myself. It’s a hard thing to do, changing old habits and patterns that are so familiar and set in our very cells.

Click here for more of my healing journey!

0 Shares