SURVIVAL & HEALING

Therapy and How a Woman Named Mary Helped Me

She lived in a small cottage in Crescent Hill with a white picket fence. I walked through the front door into her living room and knew instantly that I was in the right place. Mary was tall and thin with long white hair. My new therapist had the natural look of a woman who felt comfortable in her own skin.

I cannot remember how I found her but someone must have given me her name and number.  Friends had suggested many other look therapists who helped me in the beginnings of my healing but I needed something more. Someone needed to be tough and firm with me when I tried to explain my actions away.

Past Therapy Sessions

I remember one of them doing REM (Rapid Eye Movement) with me and during this session I was taken back to my childhood. All of a sudden I burst out crying because I saw situations that I didn’t like.  I visualized my parents in conversations that caused me to feel weak as an adult. But I also was very quick to push it aside and explain it away. These moments were tiny sparks of what would come out eventually.  I just didn’t have the support and help that I needed yet. Other therapists would come along with similar processes of having me look at my past. I didn’t like it and tried to avoid looking. 

The Universe Helps When We Are Ready

I had been meditating and praying to the Universe for help. My senses knew I was slowly sinking into a black hole and I couldn’t pull myself out.  My soul had lost it’s spark. I was lonely, depressed, sad all of the time and I wanted to feel alive again.  The Universe answers us when we are ready. If Mary would have been sent to me when I was much weaker or before I had already experienced slight healing, she would have scared me away. She was strong and she was not falling for my stories or my weakness.

I tried bringing my husband to some of the sessions but he would only sit and stare at a wall. He would vaguely answer questions if asked but mostly he would just say “I am only here to make sure she is telling you the truth because she needs help.”   There came a time when Mary asked if he was happy in the marriage. He said NO.  She asked if he wanted to continue to be married to me. He said NO. She then told him,  “First I want to say that there are issues within your own self that you need to look at if you  have stayed in a marriage that makes you unhappy.”   He told her he didn’t have issues and that he didn’t belong in these sessions.  She told him it was a good idea if he didn’t come back.  So he didn’t.

The Healing Begins

And that is when the healing began. I was not able to heal my present until I looked at my past. And I was afraid to look at my past.  Mary was patient but firm. Week after week she would firmly nudge me to dig into possible reasons why I thought it was okay to be treated the way I had been. Why was it okay to be a doormat for the men in my life?

It would be another two years of therapy with Mary and of riding the roller coaster ride in my marriage before I was healthy enough to walk away. But this time I was healthy.  I had done the work. Strength and courage were flowing into me and I loved ME for the first time in a very very long time.

I remember the day that Mary told me I was done. I was excited and at the same time there was a sadness.  Her living room with the comfy couch and the sparkly wind chimes in the sun filled window had become my safe place. I was able to blurt out all of the painful, unhappy, unhealthy moments of my past without being judged.

Stepping through the picket fence was a new woman.  I was ready to change the course of my life and start my new journey.

 

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